i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
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