i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
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