You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
