he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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