dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
