Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Randomize
