a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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