AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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