Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
This gyro tastes like lonliness
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
