mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
