you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
