I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
did you just send me my own nude
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Randomize
