He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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