Will you blow on my dice?
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
