Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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