This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
