Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
