she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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