I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
