Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize
