That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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