I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
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