Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
my shit smells like andre
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
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