I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
