I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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