Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
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