Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
