google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Randomize
