Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize