the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
Randomize
