I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
