A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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