Old men and throwing up are my life now.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
My weekend will be all about the double d's, desert & debauchery
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
im on a boat
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