I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
