Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Randomize
