Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
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