I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
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