I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
