A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
