Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
