nut hugger
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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