Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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