giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
