I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
