Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
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