I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
