Yo dont text me then not text me
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
