you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
