Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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