upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
