Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
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