Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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