I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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