he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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