Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
