I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
