how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
